TRONTASTIC

A Deaf Person’s Favourite Movie

The 2010 Tron film is amazing to watch, provided you are either deaf or just don’t care about a plot/decent writing. The movie looks fantastic; never have roman gladiator battles been so sleek and modern; never have inflatable motorcycles looked so realistic; never has Obi Wan Kenobi dressed so much like Morpheus. It is modern eye candy that explodes off the screen in dazzling effects.

The actual content however, is a muddled heap of garbage that borderlines the film on comedy territory. Here is the basic plot: ten year old son and father have clichéd conversation, father leaves and disappears, son grows up and goes all Tony Stark on his life minus the cool factor of Robert Downey Jr., son grows up and finds his way into grid world where he finds his father trapped by the evil supervillian Clu! Oh and there are glowing Frisbees that are crucial to your survival but you can also chuck them as weapons. The title of the film I think comes from the video game from which the movie is based, and is also the name of a character who was good but now is evil but then becomes good again so in the end it is all cool.

What is actually cool is Jeff Bridges, who plays the father/creator -of-the-grid/zen-master and then as a separate character plays Clu as well. Jeff Bridges is what would happen if you combined Gandalf with a very rugged lumberjack, and then added a touch of God to the mix. In short, he is awesome. Sure the director makes him do stupid stuff like whack a guard on the head to reprogram him, or create a swirling tornado out of nowhere but that is only because Jeff Bridges is a good sport. Also it is because he got paid millions.

The movie in total cost 170 million to make, and I would make an educated guess and say that most of that money was spent on making things look wicked sweet. The problem however, is that when things look wicked sweet, they don’t look real. It’s hard to care about a violent Frisbee battle when it just looks like a dramatic video game. It is even harder to care when the dialogue from the protagonist-with-daddy-issues goes something like this: “Is this really happening?” pause for something to explode “OMG it really is.” Olivia Wilde as the Trinity of the film also seems fairly hollow. She’s unconscious for a portion in the middle of the film and the audience really doesn’t notice a difference. On a side note: can a human and a program hook up? Because that just seems weird to me.

I have not seen the original Tron, nor do I want to. Wikipedia says that it was criticized for its weak plotline, which its sequel clearly did not learn from. In the end, I just think Hollywood just needs to hold some teamwork seminars and figure out how writers like Aaron Sorkin or Diablo Cody could write the scripts for movies with awesome special effects. Like Juno but with aliens as the characters, or Tron with diaologue as fast and impressive as the motorcycle chases. That’s all I want, but I think it is about as likely as a blind person liking Tron.

Rating: S-a-b-r-e

Potter Won't Win an Oscar... And it Doesn't Matter

At the moment Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One is the lowest rated Potter movie on Rotten Tomatoes, and has gotten a poor reception from some of the top critics across the globe. Unfortunately for these self-satisfied critics who like nothing more than to hear the sound of their own bickering this movie wasn't made for them. This movie was made for the millions of Harry Potter fans who have reread the books and rewatched the movies dozens of times and who were ready to see the epic story of their hero come to an end. For them this movie is a masterpiece and that is why Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One is the best we've seen from the Potter Franchise to date.

The movie takes more lines verbatim from the book than any of its predecessors. Book fans will be smiling throughout as their favourite line gets its air time. And for the first time in Potter movie history people will not be leaving the theatre bitching about what wasn't in the movie. The decision to split the movie finally gave the filmmakers enough time to do the book justice. The slower moving pace of the movie may bore some, but really allows the characters to get their final payoff.

And of course these characters were the highlight of the film. Dan Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson have developed into three of the best young actors of our generation. Our favourite trio really flex their acting muscle during the fight between Harry and Ron, Harry and Hermione's walk through Godric's Hollow, and Hermione 's torture scene. For the first time we are away from Hogwarts and they cannot rely on the adult actors to pick up the slack, but they don't miss the likes of Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Robbie Coltrane one bit.

Director, David Yates, took a much more "artsy" approach to this film than they've had in the past making for some quite fantastic visuals. The animated "Tale of the Three Brothers" scene is beautifully done and really keeps you captivated throughout quite a long story which yet again is taken almost directly from the book. The panning scenery shots we see in this film add another layer of depth to this visual masterpiece.

Part One of the finale certainly does not pull any punches in the violence department between Bathilda's attack, Ron's splinching and the previously mentioned Hermionie torture scene. All of this leaves us wondering what surprises we could be in for during the much gorier and violent Part Two of the movie.

I couldn't finish this review without mentioning what is undoubtedly the saddest scene in a Harry Potter movie to date. If Dobby's death at the end doesn't have you tearing up you're probably Lord Voldemort... or at least had your soul ripped apart a few times.

Yes the movie leaves you on a hanging point, yes it wasn't 24/7 action, yes it didn't have the charm of the first few. But Deathly Hallows Part One had much more than that and if you're getting hung up on these details go join the critics who are bashing this movie and you can all get your hate on together because for the rest of us this movie is fucking brilliant.

Rating:

S-A-B-R-E +1

Pages, Walls, Photos, Notes, Albums, Lawsuits, Lies, and Stocks

The epitome of our generation is social networking, and at the epitome of social networking is a pretty well know site called Facebook. If you have a twitter account, you have Facebook account. If you want to be famous, you have a Facebook. Facebook is the ultimate social site. Since we live in a world where social influence governs us whether it is recycling because Bono said to, or you masturbating less because Dr. Oz says it will shorten penis (not true) everything is done because it is social, and that's why a movie about Facebook and the social world makes for just an amazing movie.

The Social Network is a movie about the conception and creation of Facebook, the world's largest social networking site for those who don't know. Odds are you logged into it before you when to this awesomely sick-fucking -tastic blog.

From the 3 minute open dialouge wear your brain is racing to keep up with the multiple conversations, to the actual race of Harvard row boats this movie kept me interested. The movie was interesting I didn't find myself thinking "How much longer" or " It is going to be over soon" or "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOVIE"

The acting in this movie was very, very well done. The biggest surprise in this movie was Justin Timberlake who did a great job, and took the role very seriously, although he did come off as a little bit of a metrosexual douche bag it was quite impressive for a pop artist. Jesse Eisenberg did an amazing job playing the world's youngest billionaire.

For those out there that seek the universe through solidarity or believe in mass anarchy than this is not a movie for you, even though there is probably a " Anarchist United" group on Facebook. This movie is for everyone who wants to learn about social networking, which is anyone reading this blog.

What really made this movie amazing was the writing, so a big shout of goes to or favorite presidential reformed drug addict Aaron Sorkin, who has done an amazing job of recounting the steps to the creation of the second most used website on the internet (google is first)

This was one movie I didn't want to end, In fact when the credits started rolling I was a little angry. Nevertheless I was happy I went, and I would advise you to do the same, In fact go with your friends, make plans, through, text, tweets, wall post, inbox messages, who cares we are social creatures, now go out and see how a 21 year old Jewish billionaire changed the world.

Overall Rating:

S-A-B-R-E

Prepare to Be Mind Fucked

So good you think your dreaming

After his unreal blockbuster of the Dark Knight, he is at it again in Inception. Inception is like trying to solve a Sudoku, inside a crossword, and you are suffering Helen Keller syndrome, which doesn’t mean it is bad, it just means if you don’t think well watching the movie you will be as lost as a white guy trying to interrupt the Tzu-Tzu tribe in North Africa.

The story of inception takes place in a theoretical world (or is it) where your dreams can be accessed by other people. It would be hard to explain the entire plot line to you so just go support the industry and watch the movie you won’t regret it.

The movie brought a whole new dimension to environments, at one point in the movie the entire set turns 45 degrees and looked really really really fucking cool. Another scene shows a city that was being slowly being destroyed and one building comes down .... unreal ( of course it was but that it besides the point)

The movie kept a very upbeat, actionish tone, but was still able to keep that necessary for every blockbuster romantic story line and had a hint of humor in it. There wasn't really a point in the movie where I was thinking about something else (it kept me interested)This movie isn't made for you average retard, you need to be able to think and understand.

The one thing that was lacking in this movie was a defined ending, it ends in a cliff hanger, well more like a think hanger, and once you think enough you can figure it out, but it would have been nice to wrap up the characters.

Insomnia, Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, and finally the crown jewel Inception, calling all thinker... go out and see this movie. The movie is unreal (haha) and says a lot about happiness, and it makes you happy or does it, or does it make you think you are happy, what is happy, are you really aware you are happy, I just can't stop thinking. Happy?

Overall Rating:

S-A-B-R-e

Comedy of the Year

When one pictures an angel one usually envisions a pretty girl in a white dress with a glowing halo and cute little bird wings. When the creators of Legion envision an angel they apparently envision a ripped male in a black leather ensemble, with a motorized ball-and-chain-like weapon and giant wings that can defend said angel against bullets, provided he can twirl fast enough. Sadly these gay porno angels are not even close to being the worst part of the movie.

What is the worst part of the movie is up for debate, as Legion makes made for TV movies look like award winning masterpieces. In the film, Charlie is eight months pregnant and working at a dead end diner in the middle of some US desert (the diner by way of cliché law must of course be named Paradise Falls). Her unborn child is coincidentally the saviour of mankind and must be protected by a rebel angel because God has decided he’s done with all this humankind bullshit. I myself was under the impression that God was all powerful but no he can’t just kill the baby with some lightning. Instead he picks the second most logical solution and sends thousands of zombies to kill Charlie and her unborn child. Lucky for Charlie she has the rebel angel to help her out as well as a whole wackful of cliché characters, audience meet black gangster and uptight bitch. What follows this painful set-up is clichéd, unrealistic, just plain weird or all of the above.

If anyone were to examine this movie under the tiniest amount of scrutiny some questions might arise. For instance some audience members might ask why the old lady zombie just doesn’t kill Charlie when she’s standing next to her. Others might ask why the zombie with the sheet over its head just stands there absent-mindedly beating a car with a pole. Still others might ask how a baby with no car seat survives a car crash that involves several flips and a violent landing into a canyon. In the end however it is best for the audience to sit back and enjoy the film’s only redeeming quality: the comedy.

Accidental or not, Legion has more laughs per minute than any sitcom on primetime. Old ladies climbing walls, ice cream men growing appendages, angels with battery operated weapons; comedy writers just can’t match up to Legion’s standards. This film has numerous laugh-out-loud moments and for that and only that would I recommend it. The nominations for the Razzie awards were just released, poking fun at 09’s worst films. Legion sadly missed the deadline for this year’s prestigious honour but I have a feeling a year from now it will receive its just reward.

Sports Movies Pay Attention!

The Damned United is exactly what a sports movie should be. The Damned United follows famous English manager Brian Clough as he takes over one of England's biggest clubs at the time Leeds United. He only stays on as manager for 44 days before he is fired. The first thing that stands out about this compared to other sports movies is that it is about a failure. It isn't some fairy tale run where you know the underdog team is going to rise above the odds and win some unimaginable competition. It is about a big club which had won the English title the year before falling flat on their ass.

The movie is much more about Brian Clough and his right hand man Peter Taylor than anything else, so for the producers to tell this story they could have chose one of their many success: winning the European Cup with Nottingham Forrest, winning the English First Divison with Derby County, but instead they chose the biggest failure of Brian Clough's career. What this did was allow the movie to be a real story with a lighthearted feel.

This movie was not a comedy, but unlike other sports movies there was no lame cliched inspirational soundtrack, there was no inspiring speech in slow motion, instead there was irony, humour and a taste of realism. Nothing is romanticized it is just told to you the way it is.

What really keeps the movie going is the clever wit of Brian Clough played by Michael Sheen. I would recommend learning a bit of the back story before going to see the Damned United, especially on Clough because Michael Sheen portrays him perfectly. One of the highlights of the film is Clough's first speech to the players when he arrives at Leeds. For those who are fans of British humour, the Damned United is a must watch.

For directors out there looking to make an original sports movie look no further than the Damned United for inspiration. The Damned United is proof that not all sports movies have to be heavy-handed, dramatic, underdog stories.

Eli's Book of Awful

If you are a bible lover that believes in the passage of god and his eternal sight than you might like this movie. For everyone who doesn't give a fuck you are going to like about 35% of this movie because the other 65% is about the passage of god and his eternal sight.

The movie is a unexplained, post-apocalyptic, biblical, thriller about a guy, who you are to assume is named Eli, walking across America to protect a scared book. After coming into a town to stop for water and to get some sort of battery fixed he finds that the "mayor" of the town wants the book too and he will kill to get it.

Although this movie had a "hidden", "underlying" motif of god (which usually equals a lame movie) this movie was able to keep the action pretty intense and quick paced. The first fight taken place under a bridge in a silhouette style which looks fucking awesome! With only two swords ( probably sharpened by god) Eli is able to cause massive damage.

Although the movie was about god and what not it was able to do the opposite of Passion of the Christ and keep a comedic tone about it. After Eli has escaped a town he finds a pretty old couple and ends up in a fire fight with the evil mayor guy. Now it might not sound funny but it quite comedic.

Now although I didn't like the movie I must say that Denzel Washington is the best apocalyptic, blind, country walking, monk that has ever hit the silver screen. He was absolutely amazing in this performance and with Gary Oldman as the stunning evil character the movie was filled with brilliant acting.

If you would like to watch a movie in which once again tries to capture the essence of god then go ahead please waste your money because all this movie does is explain a crazy man's dilution for walking with a book.

Vampire Reversal

A vampire movie that isn't stupid.

The movie Daybreakers creates a society in which the default role of humans hunting  vampires becomes reversed. It was very cool to see that way that the society functioned. The movie takes place in the year 2019 were a plague has caused all humans to turn into vampires. 

The main conflict of the movie is that the human blood supply is running out and when the vampires do not get the proper amount of blood they turn into some sort of retarded giant bat thing with 50X as much muscle as the normal vampire has. Edward Dalton ( Ethan Hawke) was "turned" by his brother. Since he didn't want to become he is obviously going to be the main character in this "original" plot line. 

The best part of the movie comes from how true this movie stays to vampires because for some reason youth today feel that it is okay for a vampire to go outside, and not only do they not die, they fucking sparkle. These vampire can't go outside/need to drink blood/get killed by stakes...etc. 

The vampire harvest and form human in order to have enough blood to sustain society, which they need or else they turn into retard bats. Now there are still quite a few humans out in the bloodsucking world, these humans have figured out a way to turn vampires back into humans through sunlight ( awwww what beautiful irony) Since there are so few humans they need to band together in order to survive so they go out and get each other. Most of the humans actions happen at nighttime, this begs the question: Why the fuck would you do anything at night? and then guess what happens ( Spoiler Alert) THEY DIE! 

I my personal opinion the special effects in this movie were lacking realism. At one point a truck slides into a wooden plank and it looks about as realistic as the effects in a bad porno. The was good but it lacked something like ummm... a... AN ENDING, this movie leaves you with some sort artistic beautiful ending not actually ending the movie, this emotion of turns into the feeling of Why did I just watch this movie if I am not going to know what happens?/ What the fuck happens? The unique movie idea was pretty cool, but had quite a few flaws, but at least it isn't about vampires that stalk there "lovers" or have their babies eat their way out of them.

Overall Rating: S-A-B-r-e

Overall Rating: S-A-B-r-e