Watchmen + 300 + High Budget Porno = SUCKER PUNCH

The Ultimate Chick Flick for Men

Before I start this review I have to give a huge shout out to the beautiful woman in this movie, may you stay hot, forever. Now...

Suckerpunch is basically the best movie of all time when you attempt to explain the movie to someone, please allow me: Imagine story where the 6 main characters are woman and 5 of them are gorgeous (one is lacking her name is Rocket) and they live in a brothel-like place and when this one girl named baby doll does some crazy gyrating dance they enter a dream world. This dream world is filled with big ass ninjas that have gattling guns, massive dragons, World-War II battle sequences and hot girls.

This movie defines sexy in more ways than one, the first way being that it is sexy when a sexy woman is carrying around a sexy ninja sword and is sexyly jumping over stuff which is super sexy. The second way that it is sexy is in that smooth, flawless, pacing sexy, much like the way James Bond is sexy.

Although this movie was much like watching a soft-core porno, there was about 45 mintues of it that could have been much improved. This 45 mintues that I speak of is when Zach Snyder (Director) tries to develop the plot, not saying that he didn't develop it but that I wasn't to heavily invested in the characters personalities. This same 45 minutes included the low-lights of the movie, the parts that I like to call emotional.

The music in this movie is something to be commented on, it was covers of rocks song, with a very unique and original twist. It made for some very, intense and cool sequences from dancing to fighting.

The movie was amazingly entertaining, it was the ultimate guys movie, and oddly rated 14A, good job Zack Snyder. Calling all director of chick flick films: WATCH THIS MOVIE! And learn how to get the male audience!!!

Where The (Big, Furry, Agressive, Easily Conflicted, Akward and Extremely) Wild Things Are

A Children's Story For Adults

The movie Where the Wild Things Are is an in depth tale about Max (a young, emotionally conflicted boy) trying to be heard even though his size keeps him from being recognized. The movie takes a very famous book that is only 10 sentences long and expands it into a 101 minute film of moving emotions. The entire film is quite dark and very emotional, meant for someone with bi-polar disorder because it goes from being hilarious to being extremely depressing all in 3 seconds.

Very few of the characters in this movie had a human face, in fact there was quite a variety in the faces that the characters wore including goat, monster, owl, bull, and chicken. All the characters in the movie were extremely lovable and funny except Judith (she's a downer). James Gondolfini (Carol) once again blows audience away with his amazing talent. The real Oscar winner in this movie however, is Max Record who has a very intense and emotional role. The movie does a really good job of making the audience care about a bunch of stupid wild things.

One of the problems of this movie was the plot line. It seemed like the writers for this movie took cool ideas and wrote them down and shot darts at a board and when they hit the idea it comes next in the screenplay. The movie's plot line is easy to follow but keeps you asking questions like "why are they in the desert?" or "what is the point of punching holes in trees?". The movie used the book less like a screenplay (Because then the movie would have been ten minutes.) and more as a guideline of certain frames that should be hit.

There have been a lot of comments that people have made about bringing there kid to see the film and then finding out it is not made for kids. Well just to silence these assholes I would like to say that it was rated PG-13 (There's a hint.) and that the book is not even a kids book, it's protagonist is a kid who wears a weird wolf suit and yells at his mom. Now if you think that yelling at your mom builds good morals then you're an idiot.

The movie gave an extremely emontional view on a 9 year old's life. The movie hit all the right pressure points and will turn into a classic. This movie is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

Overall Rating: S-A-B-R-E

Let Me Inform You...

A Title Filled With Irony

The Informant is about Mark Whitacre ( Matt Damon ) a man who works at a giant agricultural company. Mark Whitacre becomes an undercover agent for the U.S government who is trying to take down this company for price fixing. The movie is quite un-informing to say the least. The movie is split into 2 parts, Boring Part 1 and Good Part 2.

The first half of the movie is extremely painful. The movie was advertised to seem as though it would be a hilarious comedy about a retarded, untrained undercover agent... Which obviously it wasn't. Having a plot line that doesn't really matter and boring main character does not help the anti - climatic first half. The first half of the movie makes you wonder if you should get up and leave the theatre, this would be a total mistake because the second part of the movie is amazing.


Imagine this movie sort of like an atomic bomb, putting it together would be as boring as talking to Helen Keller but once that thing (the atomic Bomb) is in the air it would be like talking to the Beatles.

The second part of the film could be closely paralleled to the Bush administration and how what they told America something different than what was actually happening in Iraq. The first half of the movie is simply meant to setup the second half. The informant character ( Matt Damon )might not be telling the complete truth throughout the first half of the movie. This creates a hilarious character change which causes the whole plot to take a U turn to the world of comedy. The second part of the movie is filled with laugh out loud scenes and funny lines. The constant narrating of Mark Whitarce thoughts throughout the movie is also funny. The second half of the movie is hilarious and worth waiting for.

Overall, The first part of the movie would be something you would expect to be shown at a Japanese enslavement camp as torture and the second part of the movie is the complete opposite making you laugh at every line.

If this movie where to be some sort of math equation it would be:

Unfunny + Uneventful + Anticlimactic = Fucking Hilarious + Ridiculous + Anti- Informant


Overall rating: S-A-B-r-e

Romantic Comedy #1537

I have seen my fair share of romantic comedies, way more than I would like to admit. I have seen so many romantic comedies that I could probably list Meg Ryan's ten last films ... in order. I have definitely seen enough romantic comedies to know the typical format of the genre, considering it never ever changes. Now I know this is true of most genres, but for some reason romantic comedies seem especially bad. I almost wonder if there's a writing-romantic-comedies-for-dummies book out there that all screen writers use that says scene five must be a comedic incident that causes witty banter and scene fourteen must include a deep conversation about love.

Where I am getting with this is that The Proposal is not a bad movie, it's just a typical one. In the film, Ryan Reynolds plays Andrew an Alaskan born twenty-something living in New York City. Against his parents wishes he moved to New York to become a successful publisher, but has spent the last two years as a glorified secretary under the iron thumb of the cold-hearted but successful Margaret (Sandra Bullock, falling way short of Meryl Streep). Margaret however is Canadian and when her green card isn't renewed she risks being deported back to the cold barren waste land  ... unless she marries an American citizen. Before you know it Andrew and Margaret are getting married (he get's a promotion for his effort) and they're off to Alaska to meet the parents.

Due to my extensive knowledge in rom-com's I know that the fake-relationship plot line has been used in films such as What Happen's in Vegas, and Failure to Launch (both made in the last three years), so this angle is not new. Neither is the fact that the love interests at the beginning of the film hate each other, or the fact that they end up together at the end (I would've put a spoiler alert in front of that but let's face it we all knew it anyway). Even the scene where Margaret let's the inside-only pet outside was used in Meet the Parents. The jokes are partially recycled and worst of all the new, funny jokes they did have were all given away in the trailer. The movie in short is nothing new.

The good news though is that those of you that like the standard romantic comedies will love The Proposal in the same way fans of Die Hard loved Die Hard 2. This movie has an audience, a specific but dedicated audience. And it's not all bad; Betty White is awesome, and so is the house in Alaska. Some scenes are funny. the acting is good and it's not totally unrealistic (just around the same level as Die Hard ... it could happen).

So in the end I suppose all that really needs to be said about The Proposal  is that it's a romantic comedy, and not a totally bad one at that.

Prehistoric Killing Part One: An Epic Victory

Going in to a comedy you expect a decent amount of laughs, some memorable lines, and of course Jack Black. Year One delivers this, with an effective if not classic comedy. Jack Black plays the part of a caveman well, which is unsurprising considering his striking resemblance to a cavemen in the first place. However rising star Michael Cera really steals the show. His witty side comments, pathetic attitude and overall funniness made for lots of laughs.

The movie consists of several bible references, most of which are easy to understand and quite funny (the best without a doubt Abraham killing his son). Year One also puts a creative twist on the Cain and Able story. These scenes keep the movie going in between the duo's epic trip from their home tribe to the sinning, whore filled (much to the delight of our two cavemen), and violent city of Sodom.

By far the funniest parts of the movie take place in Sodom as the cavemen attempt to live among the dangerous Roman-like citizens. Our two heros take their place among the guards. Both cavemen find hilarious love interests in Sodom, with Black being chased by the hot princess, while Cera has to cope with a gay priest.

At the end Year One falls a little near the end when it finds itself in a situation that too many comedies find themselves in, when it starts to take itself too seriously. The final rebellion has its laughs, but it starts to take on a much lamer "greater good" movie feel, as Black and Cera attempt to rescue the villagers from the overpowering rulers.

Year One won't be the best comedy you will see all year, but if you are need of a few good laughs and some good times you can't go wrong with Year One.

Terminate Me

The 2009 movie Terminator Salvation was frankly and bluntly awful.

The movie was meant to be about people destroying machines, not a love story between a lame girl and a robot. Most of the plot centered around this lame love connection.

The Plot:

John Conners (Christian Bale) is trying to take down Skynet (a stupid machine head quarters area). You would think that it would take a giant assult on the area to get inside but no all you need is a machine on your side who can simply turn everthing off... WOW problem solving by three year olds.

The Love:

I have to say that of the whole movie, the romance portion sucked the most. The love shared between lame girl and the half-machine, half-man dude paralleled the love shared between an old man (living his mother's basement) and a russian mail-ordered bride.

The Action:

I walked into this movie expecting ACTION, the climax of this movie was about the same as the climax of a chef chopping lettuce. There were some scenes that were cool. The let down though was how they blow up Skynet. To blow up skynet they shoot at the power cells of a machine, which seems unrealitic because everytime other time they had previously blown up a machine (which happens numerous times) no small atomic bomb sized explosion happened.

The movie was awful. It was like having sex with an old fat woman ... it leaves you completely unsatisfied.

The reason they named it Terminator Salvation was because they are going to have to salvage all the people's bodies who have committed suicide after seeing this movie

UP with the Movie, Down with the Dogs

As we have learned from their previous nine films, Pixar makes amazingly awesome movies (with possibly the exception of Cars, but even then not really). For their tenth endeavour they have produced UP, a family film that lives up to the company name. My opinion during the first half an hour of the movie in fact, was that UP would be the best Pixar film yet, and it almost was.

I'm not going to spend time on the good parts of the movie, because they're the usual good pixar things. Instead I'm just going to have to talk about the damn dogs.

Starting around a half hour in the audience is introduced to a group of dogs, whose collars transmit what their thinking into words. To me this sounds like a bad idea on paper and it looks worse on screen, especially since Pixar can't make up it's mind to whether the dogs are geniuseswho can fly airplanes or the typical mutts that gets distracted by a squirrell. I mean it's weird enough as it is, having an old explorer living in a tropical forst own hundred of dogs let alone ones that can talk. In one scene the heroes of the movie escape imprisonment by throwing a tennis ball by their guards. In another the dogs make fun of their leader because he has to wear the cone of shame (one of those anti-itch dog cones). Keeping in mind these are dogs who in previous scenes have used GPS systems and cooked gourment meals. This might be okay in another cartoon movie but come on Pixar I expected more from you than a scene wear dogs are playing poker in the background.

In the end though this is another great Pixar movie that is miles ahead of any other kid movie. I just wished there weren't the stupid dogs.