Prehistoric Killing Part Two: Lost in Hell

The title of this review, Lost in Hell, pretty much wraps up the movie, Land of the Lost. Rarely do I consider leaving the theatre after fifteen minutes, but it only took ten to realize this movie wasn't going anywhere. Eventually it becomes difficult to discern the difference between dinosaurs, cavemen, aliens and Will Ferrel. They all become jumbled into one stupid movie. Of course in the end an obsessive need to see what happens at the end kept me sitting in my seat for the entire hour and half, but as originally expected it was not worth the time.

Watching Land of the Lost is a bit like trying to laugh while reading the dictionnary... here give it a shot:

bland
adj., bland·er, bland·est.

1. Characterized by a moderate, unperturbed, or tranquil quality, especially:
a) Pleasant in manner; smooth: a bland smile.
b) Not irritating or stimulating; soothing: a bland diet.
c) Exhibiting no personal worry, embarrassment, or concern: told a series of bland lies.
2.
a) Dull and insipid: a bland little drama.
b) Having little or no distinctive flavor: bland cooking.

The biggest difference is that the dictionary isn't trying.

Will Ferrel was once a man famous for his roles in classic comedies like Old School and Anchorman. Now he will apparently act in any movie that throws a dime at him. This movie had zero potential and the fact that Will Ferrell thought that he had something to gain from playing a role in this movie is slightly disturbing.

It has however opened my eyes to how low Ferrell has sunk, I think I may just give him twenty bucks to star in my new comedy:

DICTIONARY: Letters A-B

Get ready for multiple sequels and more entertainment than Land of the Lost.

Prehistoric Killing Part One: An Epic Victory

Going in to a comedy you expect a decent amount of laughs, some memorable lines, and of course Jack Black. Year One delivers this, with an effective if not classic comedy. Jack Black plays the part of a caveman well, which is unsurprising considering his striking resemblance to a cavemen in the first place. However rising star Michael Cera really steals the show. His witty side comments, pathetic attitude and overall funniness made for lots of laughs.

The movie consists of several bible references, most of which are easy to understand and quite funny (the best without a doubt Abraham killing his son). Year One also puts a creative twist on the Cain and Able story. These scenes keep the movie going in between the duo's epic trip from their home tribe to the sinning, whore filled (much to the delight of our two cavemen), and violent city of Sodom.

By far the funniest parts of the movie take place in Sodom as the cavemen attempt to live among the dangerous Roman-like citizens. Our two heros take their place among the guards. Both cavemen find hilarious love interests in Sodom, with Black being chased by the hot princess, while Cera has to cope with a gay priest.

At the end Year One falls a little near the end when it finds itself in a situation that too many comedies find themselves in, when it starts to take itself too seriously. The final rebellion has its laughs, but it starts to take on a much lamer "greater good" movie feel, as Black and Cera attempt to rescue the villagers from the overpowering rulers.

Year One won't be the best comedy you will see all year, but if you are need of a few good laughs and some good times you can't go wrong with Year One.

Terminate Me

The 2009 movie Terminator Salvation was frankly and bluntly awful.

The movie was meant to be about people destroying machines, not a love story between a lame girl and a robot. Most of the plot centered around this lame love connection.

The Plot:

John Conners (Christian Bale) is trying to take down Skynet (a stupid machine head quarters area). You would think that it would take a giant assult on the area to get inside but no all you need is a machine on your side who can simply turn everthing off... WOW problem solving by three year olds.

The Love:

I have to say that of the whole movie, the romance portion sucked the most. The love shared between lame girl and the half-machine, half-man dude paralleled the love shared between an old man (living his mother's basement) and a russian mail-ordered bride.

The Action:

I walked into this movie expecting ACTION, the climax of this movie was about the same as the climax of a chef chopping lettuce. There were some scenes that were cool. The let down though was how they blow up Skynet. To blow up skynet they shoot at the power cells of a machine, which seems unrealitic because everytime other time they had previously blown up a machine (which happens numerous times) no small atomic bomb sized explosion happened.

The movie was awful. It was like having sex with an old fat woman ... it leaves you completely unsatisfied.

The reason they named it Terminator Salvation was because they are going to have to salvage all the people's bodies who have committed suicide after seeing this movie

UP with the Movie, Down with the Dogs

As we have learned from their previous nine films, Pixar makes amazingly awesome movies (with possibly the exception of Cars, but even then not really). For their tenth endeavour they have produced UP, a family film that lives up to the company name. My opinion during the first half an hour of the movie in fact, was that UP would be the best Pixar film yet, and it almost was.

I'm not going to spend time on the good parts of the movie, because they're the usual good pixar things. Instead I'm just going to have to talk about the damn dogs.

Starting around a half hour in the audience is introduced to a group of dogs, whose collars transmit what their thinking into words. To me this sounds like a bad idea on paper and it looks worse on screen, especially since Pixar can't make up it's mind to whether the dogs are geniuseswho can fly airplanes or the typical mutts that gets distracted by a squirrell. I mean it's weird enough as it is, having an old explorer living in a tropical forst own hundred of dogs let alone ones that can talk. In one scene the heroes of the movie escape imprisonment by throwing a tennis ball by their guards. In another the dogs make fun of their leader because he has to wear the cone of shame (one of those anti-itch dog cones). Keeping in mind these are dogs who in previous scenes have used GPS systems and cooked gourment meals. This might be okay in another cartoon movie but come on Pixar I expected more from you than a scene wear dogs are playing poker in the background.

In the end though this is another great Pixar movie that is miles ahead of any other kid movie. I just wished there weren't the stupid dogs.

Don't Use Roofies...

The Hangover stars Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and the new breakout comedian of 2009, Zach Galifianakis.

Every line from this movie is quotable, and will make you laugh your ass off. Zach Galifianakis stars as Alan, the fat, lazy, step-brother of the groom-to-be, who seems to fuck up everything he does. Though, everything he does is fucking hilarious. From being a lone wolf pack, to wearing a sexy under armour thong, to drugging everyone out on roofies, Alan makes everyone in the theatre laugh hard.

There's many different aspects of this movie that make everyone want to go and see it. For men, it shows the bachelor party you always wish you had, or revives the memories of your bachelor party. For teens, you can laugh at basically every line said in the movie. For women, theres a cute baby she can say "awwwww" too for the entire movie. And, of course, for the elderly they can get out of your house, and see a quality film with the children.

There is no way that this movie can not make you laugh out loud, and just explode from laughter. This is most likely the funniest movie you will ever see, due to the PURE GENIUS of the entire thing, and will make you wish that your bachelor party was as fucking awesome as his. So I think that everyone in the world should see this movie, just because of the pure genius of it. Zach Galifianakis, we love you... Todd Phillips (the director), we love you... and everyone should "feel it" whenever they can. Anyone who does'nt like this movie should be hanged and their life should be over.

Watching the Watchmen

Watchmen is the Bible of comic books. Every true comic book nerd keeps a copy by their bedside and every night they worship the author/God, Alan Moore (Who incidentally looks exactly like one would picture a comic book God to look like.). The book itself is original, deep, smart, provocative, action-packed and in short amazing. That being said, how does the movie compare? To keep the religious analogy going it’s not the Holy Grail of comic book movies, that title still lies with the Dark Knight. Watchmen however is a strong second (Consider it a really-really-nice grail even if it’s not holy.).

Why the movie is so good probably has a lot to do with the fact that very little is changed from the actual comic book. Almost all of the dialogue is identical, and most of the scenes are extremely faithful to the comic. A major thing that was altered was the ending even though only minimally and in my opinion for the better. Also one of the best lines in the book, “Nothing ever ends,” is said as an afterthought in the movie and not by the intimidating blue dude like in the book, but that’s nit-picking.

Where the movie doesn’t work is the acting, which varies from amazing to painful. Rorschach, the Comedian and Sally Jupiter fall into the amazing category; Laurie Jupiter and Ozymandias sadly do not. Laurie Jupiter looks good in her part but the acting seems forced and her lines cheesy. Ozymandias could not seem like a more stereotypical cold and heartless villain right from the beginning which is not good because it’s supposed to be a surprise that he is the stereotypical cold and heartless villain.

Back to the plus side, Zach Snyder the director does an awesome job. The montage to “The Times they are a Changing” is one of the best parts of the movie and just overall his style works with the film. Like all really good directors however he doesn’t know how to keep a movie short (Peter Jackson anyone?) and Watchmen is over two and a half hours.

That pretty much sums it up. If you have ever read a comic book you have probably already seen the movie … multiple times. If you somehow fall into the above category but have not seen it, I would make it a top priority. As for you others out there who have never read a comic and haven’t seen the movie, I would go see it and consider it kind of like watching one of those foreign films with subtitles. You won’t really understand anything that happens but you’ll appreciate your glimpse into a different and alien culture.

The Question should not be " Who watches the watchmen" but " Who doesn't watch the watchmen"

Trekkie Orgasm

Everyone, especially "trekkies," 

will be cumming to this movie!!!

This movie was good. I mean really good. Not like sorta good. Or the "that was okay" sort of good. I mean the " that was amazing" sort of good. You didn't have to be a " trekkie" to see this movie, although if you were a trekkie you would probably "enjoy" this movie even more.

There was a plot, action, twists and romance. And let's just thank god they didn't screw this movie up because there would have been a trekkie riot that would knock the enterprise right out of orbit.

The next thing that needs to be addressed is the music. The music in this movie must have been created by God! (Or Micheal Giacchino but definitley one of the two.) The music was so epic that it could have vibrated the wig off beethoven's head.

The deadly mixture of extreme adrenaline pumping action, epic music and amazing action has created a concoction that would not only raise the numbers at the box office but the amount of blood rushing to certain parts of the body.

To sum it all up even if nobody bought drinks to watch with the movie there would still be sticky stuff on the floor.